Milking the Milkweeds
by Optronix Prime
Summary: When Church tries to get ride of Caboose for a few hours of peace, he ends up fighting a battle he didn't want to fight in the first place; not that he wanted to be suck in Blood Gulch to start with. (Rated for swearing).


**Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue, though I wish I did.**

**A Few Hours Ago**

"Tucker, hey, Tucker! Tucker! Tucker why aren't you listening to me? Can't you hear me? I'm right here next to you. Tucker! Tuuuuucker! Tuck-"

"Caboose if you say my name one more time, I will bitch slap you with my gun," Tucker growled. "What do you want?"

"I was just wondering if you've seen Sheila. I wanted to talk to her," Caboose replied cheerily, like he hadn't just been threatened.

"She and Tex are doing stuff. Girl stuff. That's all I heard before I stopped listening and left," Tucker informed him.

"Ohh..." Caboose looked around, as if Sheila was just going to appear out of nowhere. "Hey Tucker?"

"What?!"

"Do you know where Sheila is?"

"Dude, I just told you, Sheila and Tex are off talking about girl stuff. Probably about how much they hate Church. You know, why wasn't I invited to that?" Tucker asked aloud, not really expecting anyone to answer. Naturally though, Caboose did.

"Probably because Tex hates Church and Sheila hates Church too and they both don't like you very much."

"What? How does Sheila not like me?" Tucker asked, surprised. "I'm the whole package! Great looking, smart, good in a fight..."

"Tucker, you are not a good fighter. No one even lets you use the sniper rifle," Caboose reminded him.

"You know what, Caboose? Shut the fuck up." Tucker turned away, walking towards the other side of the roof, looking off in the direction leading to Red Base. After three years of never getting to use the sniper rifle, his eyes were pretty good at looking for things out in the distance. Thankfully for Tucker, nothing was coming. He wasn't in the mood for doing anything at the moment; besides shooting Caboose, but everyone wanted to do that, so that was nothing new. (Plus Church had first dibs, so Tucker couldn't actually shoot Caboose until Church did).

"Tucker?" Caboose asked again. He sighed, not looking at him.

"Yes Caboose?"

"Who's the brown man coming towards us?"

"What brown man?" Tucker turned around and walked back over to see a mud-coated Church trying to sneak back into base unseen. That wasn't going to fly with Tucker.

"So Church, what happened? Trip again?" Tucker asked, suppressing a grin behind his visor.

"I don't want to talk about it, so go away," Church called back.

"Oh Church! It's you!" Caboose yelled loudly. "How did it go?"

"Shut _up_, Caboose! I said I don't want to talk about it!" Church stormed into Blue Base, muddy tracks following after him. Tucker walked down the ramp and into the main room. Caboose followed after him. Church was furiously trying to scrub off the mud. Some of it dripped off easily, but most was caked into small chinks in his armor or dried on, splattered across his shoulders and back.

"Church, do you need any help?" Caboose asked cheerily. "I can go get the sponge and water bucket I used to get the black stuff of Tucker's armor after he went through the teleporter. I can get all that mud off your armor in no time!" Church almost said yes; until he saw Tucker silently shaking his head. Over his radio, he heard Tucker say,

"It's like being molested by an octopus that lost most of its legs. Don't do it Church."

"Uh, no thanks Caboose. I'll get it off myself."

"Are you sure? I am a really good helper. I like helping, Church," Caboose informed him. "You'll be clean way faster if you let me help you."

"If you're such a good helper Caboose, then will you go find me something warm to drink?" Church asked him dryly.

"Warm? Like warm milk?"

"Yeah, sure, go find me some warm milk."

"Okay! I shall do that for you, Church!" Caboose took off out the base. Tucker looked over at Church, completely confused.

"Why the hell do you need warm milk?"

"I don't. Just want to get him out of here while I strip off my armor and wash it," Church replied. "Figured that would keep him busy. Now help me get this shit off."

**Meanwhile At Red Base…**

"Simmons! Hand me that wrench," Sarge called from underneath the Warthog. Simmons picked up the tool and handed it to him.

"Of course, sir. Anything you need, sir."

"Kiss ass," Grif grumbled, glancing over at them.

"It wouldn't kill you to help repair the Warthog, Grif," Sarge barked.

"Actually it would sir. I'm pretty sure if I got down on the ground I wouldn't be able to get up; and I don't have _Life Alert_ so I guess I can't help you," Grif sassed back, keeping a lookout for any Blues.

"Damn it Grif. Sometimes you're more worthless than I thought," Sarge announced, taking a hammer from the grass and using it to smash some metal back into place.

"Thank you, sir. I try hard to be worthless," Grif whipped back at Sarge.

"Thank God for you Simmons. If I was left here with Grif and Donut I would go crazy. End up killin' myself just to get some peace!"

"I'm glad you're here too, Sarge. Wait. Actually I'm not. Being stuck in this canyon with Grif is like being in Hell. Sometimes I have to pitch myself just to make sure I'm not dead because it gets so bad," Simmons realized aloud. "Once I almost hugged Donut because I was so sick of being around Grif. Then I remembered I didn't like Donut almost as much as I hated Grif."

"Well aren't you just shittin' rainbows and sparkles," Grif said sarcastically. Sarge slide out from under the jeep and got to his feet.

"That should do it. Shame Lopez isn't here. He could've fixed this within minutes. Man he was great with machines," Sarge reminisced happily as Simmons cleaned up the tools and put them back into the tool chest.

"He was a robot, sir. That's probably why he was so good with them," Simmons pointed out.

"That has absolutely nothing to do with it," Sarge aggressively told them. "I programmed him to be smart and to be able to fix things so I wouldn't have to. I'm quite clever that way." Grif rolled his eyes, walking a few feet away from them.

"What the hell…? Is that…is that the Blue Rookie? What the fuck is he doing?" Grif asked loudly. Simmons and Sarge both walked over to Grif and looked over in the direction he was.

"What is he trying to do?" Sarge questioned, wonder in his voice.

"I think he's trying to milk that plant," Simmons commented.

"Plants have milk in them?" Grif asked the maroon solider next to him.

"Of course not! It's milkweed. He's just stupid enough to think there's actual milk inside the damn plant," Simmons shouted at Grif. "Why the hell is he trying to get milk out of that plant…?" Simmons wondered quietly to himself.

The Red Team watched Caboose struggle for a long time. Over several hours, Grif, Simmons, Sarge, and eventually even Donut watched Caboose slowly squeezing water out of milkweed plant after milkweed plant from the top of a hill next to the half-functioning Warthog.

"Do you think he'll ever be done mangling those poor plants?" Simmons asked the group, cracking the bored, repetitive silence that had been with them all afternoon.

"God I hope so. I'm so damn sick of watching him do the same thing over and over. It's so boring," Grif whined.

"Just like you, Grif," Sarge replied instantly.

"I know. I can hardly stand myself let alone this guy." Sarge and Simmons shared a look, just shaking their heads.

"Maybe he needs some help," Donut announced. "We could help him, and then we could all go back to the nice, cool base and get out of this heat."

"Donut, it's not that we can't go back to the base, it's just we'd be bored there too. At least here we can watch this Blue guy be an idiot," Simmons explained to Donut.

"Ohh, I got you. I get it. Okay, well we could play I Spy to pass the time," Donut suggested.

"Donut, just shut up," Grif growled. "Because we have company, look!" Walking up to Caboose was a black armored guy and a huge battle tank.

"Oh crap, it's that scary girl who wants to kill everyone," Grif murmured.

"Girl? What girl?" Donut asked completely clueless.

"Dude, are you serious?" Simmons groaned exasperatedly. "The chick in the black armor! The freelancer! The one that's been trying to kill us in our sleep!" Donut looked at Simmons like he was crazy. "Have you not been listening to anything anyone's said for the last two months or longer?"

"That black guy is really a girl?" Donut asked loudly. Everyone groaned, turning away from the pink guy, giving up on Donut.

"Wonder what they're talkin' about…" Sarge questioned under his breath.

**On the Other Side of Blood Gulch …**

"Caboose, what the fuck are you doing?" Tex demanded when she was within earshot.

"I am getting milk for Church. He needs it to feel better," Caboose explained, not stopping in his work. "I have almost milked sixteen ounces of milk from these milkweed plants. Church will be so happy that I've been so helpful. He will feel better after I bring it back to base and warm it up in the microwave."

"Why would this combination of sugar and water from these plants help Church?" Sheila questioned Caboose. Caboose just shook his head.

"No no no, see this stuff?" he asked as he held up the jar in front of Tex and Sheila. "This is the milk from all these plants. Church was very muddy when he came back earlier. He told that this milk, after I warm it up, will be very helpful and make him happy, so that's why I'm getting all this milk for him." Tex blinked, grumbling under her breath. Was Caboose really that stupid?

"Let's just get back to base with your gross plant blood," Tex spat at him, marching back towards base. "Sheila, come on."

"I'm coming," she chirped as she followed after Tex. Caboose hurriedly gathered up his jar and a few more plants before going after them.

"Hey Tex?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you make milk too?" Caboose asked innocently.

Tex took the jar from him before slapping him across the face with the side of her gun. Caboose fell hard into the grassy dirt, head throbbing with pain.

"Ask me that again and I will shoot you," Tex threatened viciously. Caboose's eyes widened behind his helmet at her words as he scrambled up, nodding quickly.

"Yes scary lady," Caboose yelled, taking his jar of milkweed juice back. Tex smiled darkly behind her visor as they approached base.

"Hey, is that a bunch of Reds on top of our base?! Having a standoff with Church and Tucker?!" Tex cried out in horror. "Son of a bitch, if I don't get up there, we're fucked!" Tex started running. Caboose started too, but went back to Sheila.

"Will you watch my milk?" he asked her politely.

"Absolutely Caboose."

"Thanks Sheila!" Caboose set the jar on her before going after Tex, drawing his gun. They both filed up the ramp and onto the top, coming out behind Tucker and Church.

"You filthy Reds! Get the hell off our base or we'll shoot you!" Church shouted at them. Two of them laughed.

"You couldn't hit me even if I was tied up," the cocky maroon soldier shot at them.

"Great comeback, Simmons!" Sarge called, readying his shotgun.

"Thank you sir. I only use the best insults in your presence."

"Kiss ass," Tucker and Grif said in unison. Donut laughed.

"This is serious, Donut! We are about to defeat the Blues!" Sarge growled at him.

"Sarge, you said that last week. And the week before that. Also the week before that week and-" Grif would've kept going if he wasn't cut off by Sarge.

"Grif, you're usually the reason we fail! Pick up the slack and start shooting the Blues!"

"But that takes a lot of effort. I'd have to raise my gun, aim my gun, cock my gun, and then shoot my gun. After that, I'd just have to start all over. Kinda a waste of my time and precious energy. Thanks for the offer though," Grif replied nonchalantly. Sarge growled again.

"Simmons, shoot Grif and then shoot all the Blues!"

"Yes sir!"

"What?! NO! No shooting Grif!"

"I'd like to shoot Grif," Tex chimed in. Church groaned.

"Tex, not everything is about what you want. Get over yourself. Now do something useful!" Church demanded. Tex shrugged.

"Okay." She stepped forward and beat Church over the head with her gun. Church collapsed on impact. Everyone around him laughed. Even Sheila and Lopez laughed, though how they were seeing what was going on from so far away was a mystery.

"Tex you evil traitorous bitch!"

"You told me to do something useful, so I did," Tex replied evenly, a smirk in her voice.

"I feel that was very useful. Helps me feel more productive now," Tucker chipped in, trying not to laugh.

"I hate all of you so, so much right now…" Church grumbled.

"Great, so the feeling is neutral," Sarge said, aiming his gun at Church.

"Just wait," Donut said loudly, stepping between Church and Sarge. "We aren't here to fight. We just want to know what the plant juice is for." Tucker looked at them skeptically.

"Plant juice? What are you talking about?" Caboose completely lit up.

"Oh! Oh! Can I answer this question, Church?" Caboose asked excitedly, waving his hand around in the air.

"Sure Caboose. Whatever. I really don't care," Church replied tonelessly, still lying on the concrete roof.

"I was milking the flowers to get milk to make you feel better," Caboose explained to everyone. "I gave the jar to Sheila for safe keeping." Caboose turned and waved over at Sheila and Lopez.

"Sheila! Sheila can you bring me the jar?" Caboose shouted across the canyon, waving his arms madly. "I need it for Church!" From that distance, it looked like Lopez leaned over and talked to Sheila for a moment before a voice echoed around, bouncing off the walls.

"Firing main canon."

A great flaming canon came flying at Blue Base. Everyone started screaming and running for their lives. Church could only lay there are everyone ran for it.

"Caboose you team killing fucktard!"

_ BOOM!_

Church's robot body exploded as he left it to become a ghost once more.

"Oops, sorry Church!" Caboose called from down in the base. "I guess Sheila thought we needed help fighting the Reds."

"Caboose, I am going to possess your body and make you commit suicide!" Church yelled down at him. Tucker and Tex burst out laughing.

"Don't worry Church. I'm sure your body will be just fine." Church turned and looked over as his robot body disintegrated, turning to ash.

"Oh Caboose…"

"Caboose?"

"Yes Tucker?"

"I would start running. Ghosts can move pretty fast when they're angry. Especially an angry, ghost Church," Tucker informed him.

"Thank you, Tucker. I will do that now." Caboose ran out of the base and towards Tucker's rock, hoping Church wouldn't catch up with him.

"You just said that to get rid of him, didn't you?" Tex asked, turning to Tucker.

"Yep. Can you blame me?"

"Nope. Not at all."

"Wanna make out?" Tex beat Tucker with the barrel of her gun too, leaving him crumpled on the floor, as she headed out to do some target practice.

"I'll take that as a maybe!" Tex just shook her head as she walked away.

**Author's Note: Please review! It's the only way I can get better as a writer. Hope you liked this fic!**

**~Nix**


End file.
